H.L. Mencken - a cynical fellowH. L. (Henry Louis) Mencken was a newspaperman wordsmith with prose as accurate and deadly as sniper fire. Reading Mencken today shows that politicians, wars and religion have not changed: "Every election is a sort of advance auction sale of stolen goods." "He marries best who puts it off until it is too late." "Puritanism - The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy."
H. L. (Henry Louis) Mencken was a newspaperman wordsmith with prose as accurate and deadly as sniper fire. Reading Mencken today shows that politicians, wars and religion never really change, and receive all the respect they deserve (none). Mencken was the voice of Baltimore during the overtly wicked times of the early 20th century. He was a gifted writer and reporter, who survived his entire life in Baltimore – if you can call that surviving – working for both the Baltimore Herald and Sun. This proves that journalists have as little loyalty as the politicians they discover in no-tell motels. His work at the Herald city desk cemented his cynical foundation. Baltimore was widely considered a corrupt city, unlike today where it is known to be a corrupt city. In Mencken's day, local politicians were little more than talented pick-pockets and from external appearances, their descendants are keeping the family business alive. Mencken's cynicism may have reached its apex during the infamous Scopes Money Trial. The Sun sent Mencken to cover an event that was equal parts religious fervor, grandstanding politics and open air circus, a vein of literary ore that made Mencken's mind melt. The court case, where a school teacher was being prosecuted for teaching Darwinian evolution, and local religious fundamentalism caused Mencken to call Tennessee a "sort of Holy Land for imbeciles." This might have been the most polite reference Mencken made during the entire trial (For the cinema buffs, the Scopes Monkey trial was made into Spencer Tracy's Inherit the Wind, where Mencken was portrayed by Gene Kelly and his character was called "E. K. Hornbeck"). Mencken was, if nothing else, evenhanded – he derided everyone including himself, as witnessed from this excerpt from his essay "In Defense of Women":
"As a professional critic of life and letters, my principal business in the world is that of manufacturing platitudes for tomorrow, which is to say, ideas so novel that they will be instantly rejected as insane and outrageous by all right thinking men, and so apposite and sound that they will eventually conquer that instinctive opposition, and force themselves into the traditional wisdom of the race. I hope I need not confess that a large part of my stock in trade consists of platitudes rescued from the cobwebbed shelves of yesterday, with new labels stuck rakishly upon them."

Cynical Mencken Quotations

Once a woman passes a certain point in intelligence it is almost impossible to get a husband: she simply cannot go on listening [to men] without snickering.


In Europe, aristocracy is founded upon land. In the United States, it is founded upon real estate.


Here is something that the psychologists have so far neglected: the love of ugliness for its own sake, the lust to make the world intolerable. Its habitat is the United States.


It is inaccurate to say that I hate everything. I am strongly in favor of common sense, common honesty, and common decency. This makes me forever ineligible for public office.


Faith may be defined briefly as an illogical belief in the occurrence of the improbable.


Under democracy one party always devotes its chief energies to trying to prove that the other party is unfit to rule – and both commonly succeed, and are right.


Bachelors know more about women than married men; if they didn't they'd be married too.


Slang is a deliberate invention by professional smart-aleks, college boys, reporters, newspaper men, and other dubious characters.


Democracy is the worship of jackals by jackasses.

Guy Smith - cynical evidence with mini elvisGuy Smith is in the annals of cynicism.  Or it that anals.  Hard to tell with him.

Aside from being the despicable and socially unacceptable editor of the Cynical Web Site, Smith is a renowned writer, songwriter and political provocateur (well, he is renown in his living room, which is oddly inhabited by Guy and a few other surviving insects).

Smith's writing is seldom referred to, but has been called "A tragic collision between Kinky Friedman and P.J. O'Rourke, with Joseph Heller reading the eulogy."  Most of Smith's pithier and slimier quotes ooze with insights that only a deacon in the Church of Discount Worship could possibly put to pen. Though Smith's origins are not well known, he has managed to infest the globe at points as far flung as Florida, Virginia, California and allegedly a small prison colony in the Philippines, though the only source for that last location is one of Smith's ex-wives. Let's hope he gets writer's cramp.  Until then, suffer with these top Guy Smith cynicisms.

Cynical Guy Smith Quotations

Amazingly, most people are not ready to die despite having prepared for it their entire lives.


May you have the good fortune to die on a slow news day.


All parents see their children as perfect, at least until the teen years. This delusion is God's system for keeping parents from selling the little vermin off for medical experimentation.


Cats are like women. If you understand them, they make wonderful companions. If you don't understand them, then they are endless pains in the ass.


A catechism is a formalized, documented, structured review of Christian teachings. This is the ultimate extension of the principle that even the simplest concept can be expounded upon to create perfect misunderstanding.


My goal is to enjoy life, but life seems to be uncooperative.


"Wrath" is most commonly attributed to God and women. This should give men something to fear.


We should not be surprised that the abbreviation of the names of two of the most despised terrorist groups are so similar, they being the IRA and the IRS.


Death is the only goal one can achieve without help, and even then you occasionally receive unwanted assistance.


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